Friday, September 30, 2005


Visit the Sunshine State- and You'll Die.

This banner is being distributed by an outfit called "The Brady Campaign to Control Gun Violence" in attempt to scare people out of visiting Florida. I guess the strategy is that by threatening Florida's "£30 billion tourism industry" with ads placed in American and British magazines, Jeb Bush will be forced to change his mind and undo the recent modifications to Florida law which allow those who feel threatened to use a firearm to defend themselves.

I'm not sure what they are trying to say here. It seems that they want you to believe that visiting Florida will endanger your life. Either because Floridians are trigger happy barbarians who enjoy shooting people for sport, or they are just stupid people with guns. "Tourist? Oh! Sorry old chap, I thought you said you were a terrorist! Boy, I haven't been this confused since I accidently voted for Pat Buchannon."

I personally like this ad alot. I especially like how they kind of turned Florida into a pistol. It makes me want to move there. I would love to live in a state that has a whole ad campaign set up to scare people, who would otherwise visit my state and provoke me to the point where I would want to shoot them, into finding somewhere else to spend their vacation. Instead my state proudly proclaims that if I somehow managed to get my hands on any sort of firearm, it stays at home at all times and is locked up in a cabinet, not readily available for self-defense purposes if the need arises. Unless of course I am a state politician, in which case my bodyguard is holding it for me in the next room.


Legislating Morality From the Bench

So how do you get a 17 year old girl to stop doing drugs? Well, according to Judge Lori Blake, you make her stop having sex until she moves out of her parents' house. I'm not sure how exactly it helps anything, but I think it's a good idea because I don't think 17-Year-Old girls should be having sex out of wedlock anyway. I have to admit, I don't understand how this can be enforced. I guess she just has to avoid getting pregnant, or else she'll be arrested for violating a court order.

Apparently this Judge has a 10 month history of prohibiting "tattoos, body piercings, earrings and clothing 'associated with the drug culture' for those on probation." She even makes female lawyers cover up their bare arms while they are in her courtroom. My fellow Conservatives, I think we've found our ideal Supreme Court nominee. My guess is Bush will shoot for the center again, but it's fun to imagine Republicans trying to slip Ms Blake into O'Conner's spot. "Of course religion plays a part in my decisions, religion defines my ethics, which allows me to make clear, level-headed decisions about what is right and wrong." I can see members in Congress collectively scratching their heads at that remark, just before half of them become outraged.


Bulldogs in Jerusalem

Iran will not be deterred "by anything short of a threat of force"

"They won't be stopped unless they are convinced their programs will be destroyed if they continue"

"Threats of sanctions and isolation alone will not do it"

"We see an Iranian bomb as a devastating, existential threat to Israel, to the entire Middle East, to all Western interests in the region"

"Despite all the different circumstances, we see similarities to what happened in the 1930s, when people underestimated the real problem or focused on other dangers. For us, either the world will tackle Iran in advance or all of us will face the consequences."

Israelies also say that if the world refuses to get serious about Iran, they'll go in and take care of the problem itself. Of course afterward, they'll be diplomatically scolded for doing what they believe is necessary to protect themselves by hypocritical allies who would have done the same thing if they were in the same situation. I am still glad to see their resolve, and I personally think that they have every right to pre-emptive action. In fact, I'm looking forward to it. If Israel directs any bombings against Iran, I personally will feel more secure the next day. Call me a war-monger, but I kind of like the idea of being as certain as possible that we aren't allowing terrorists to develop nuclear weapons.

Monday, September 26, 2005


Just When You Thought It Was Safe...

Well, this is a little embarassing. It appears as if Hurricane Katrina has let lose a bunch of dolphins who are armed and dangerous. Apparently the United States army has admitted to training dolphins to shoot would-be submerged terrorists with tranquilizer guns. Now we may have "lost" them in somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico, which means they are probably tranquilizing random Cuban immigrants as we speak. The army insists that they are safe and sound, however, so there is no need to panic. The only source I could find for this story was the link to The Guardian on Drudge, so I am fully aware that it isn't true. I am also fully aware that it is a really good idea, if you could pull it off. I'm not sure how you can get a dolphin to shoot anything, as they really don't very many opposable body parts. Perhaps their jaw, but that seems a little ridiculous. It would be more practical to train Gorillas to use AK-47's. It would also make a better movie. Exploding Caterpillars would be useful to. So would genetically altered porcupines the size of elephants with ricin-laced spines, and giant skunks with parachutes, and a Liger if they could ever invent one. I am going to apply for an R&D position at the Pentagon, I think they could really use me in a few of their think tanks.

Saturday, September 24, 2005


Iranian Nuclear Threat A.D.D.

Iran might be developing nuclear weapons which they might sell to terrorists who might be able to sneak an American into a city and obliterate it with. If this is true, then we might as well go in and remove the government. Of course, certain Americans would rather wait until our city is destroyed so that we don't look like bullies when it comes to combating terrorism. That's fine too. I live in a small town, so I probably will be around to see the immediate retaliation. Unfortunately I will have to hear flocks of people complaining about such retaliation, refusing to acknowledge any possible link between Iran and nuclear terrorism, but they are easy enough to ignore.

That said, here is how it will really go down. A much cheaper alternative to an full scale invasion is a civil, or revolutionary war (depending on who wins). Iran is already dealing with bloody unrests, mostly from repressed Kurdish and Sunni minorities. If there is an uprising, all the United States has to do is provide some weapons and experts and watch as Iran crumbles from within. This of course won't happen until Iraq really begins to prosper, so it will be a while yet, but at least we are on the right track. Iraq's new government is beginning to be established, and it looks like it will allow much more opportunity for individual success and freedoms than Saddam's system did. The concept and desire of freedom will soon spread across Iraq's borders causing all sorts of problems for it's neighbors and invoking fundamental change, which is why we went into Iraq in the first place and is also why the terrorists (with the help of certain media outlets) are working so hard to push us out.

So what about Iranian nukes? Could the government possibly develop WMD's before they are forced out by their people. Never fear, the U.N. is on it. In a dramatic string of events, India has just half-heartedly signed "with the European Union and the US on a resolution by the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) requiring Iran to be reported to the UN Security Council at an unspecified date to be in doubt about the peaceful nature of its nuclear programme." So, thanks in part to India, the U.N. security council is about to be made aware of the fact that Iran may be secretly developing nuclear weapons. If the Council finds these accusations to be true, Iran will be inundated with a series of very serious U.N. Resolutions until the problem is resolved by a third party. So in other words, those of you living in large metropolitan areas might want to find a nice quiet place out in the country to settle down and raise a family in.

Friday, September 23, 2005


The Woodpecker Grid

Who's to blame for for these big hurricanes that keep battering the southern U.S. coast year after year? Is it God? Global Warming? George W. Bush? The Butterfly Fractal? Nope. It's the Japanese based "Yakuza" Mafia. They are still mad at the U.S. for dropping the bombs in WWII, and now they are trying to get back at us by creating hurricanes via electromagnetic pulses. Meteorologist Scott Stevens has the proof. Or at least he is proof that meteorologists really don't know what they are talking about.

Thursday, September 22, 2005


Lovely Rita

Another day, another evacuation of the entire southern coast. Hurricane Rita is about to hit Texas. I think its at a cat 4 or 5, but I'm not sure. Devastating hurricane A.D.D. prevents me from knowing these kinds of details. My heart goes out to all of those displaced by these storms. All of you in Texas can feel free to move here to California. We are sort of lacking in your conservative style voting base, and we have great weather all the time. Earthquakes? What Earthquakes? You might experience a few small tremors, but I've lived here all of my life and I've never been thrown out of my bed by an earthquake. Just find a spot away from the San Andreas fault to settle down. As far as those of you in New Orleans, I don't feel sorry for you this time. Anyone with any sense at this point should be able to recognize the perils of living in a live lakebed, and find some higher ground to build their homes on. Preferably above sea level. Your President sees it differently however, but at least he has enough sense to wait for the storms to stop before urging you all to move back in. Here in Fresno, CA we've opened our doors up to Kat Victims, you're welcome to settle down in a safer neighborhood. For the record, I've never had to endure a citywide evacuation, nor have I had my house dismantled by a rainstorm. A rainstorm for us is a drizzle accompanied by occasional lightning bolts.

Monday, September 19, 2005


Monday Stew

Monday, September 19. We're still cleaning up after Hurricane Katrina. Apparently the politically correct thing to do is to rebuild the city, even though nature will eventually win this one and someday you'll be able to vaction on the scenic Lake New Orleans. For right now we will have a city there. They've postponed the re-entry for right now, and have decided to let nature stop dumping water into the lake before putting everyone back in. After Rita passes through, they'll be plenty of work to do. John Schwab is planning on moving back in as soon as he can. "I'll probably have to look for a job in construction," he says. "That's about the only thing around." At least you'll have job security. You could start a very succesful business in hurricane relief. Speaking of hurricanes, Angela Merkel took Schroeder on in Germany's last election. Apparently there is no winner, and they are both in charge. Go figure. John Roberts is undergoing excrutiating examination as he fights his way to the Supreme Court. For the record, he's not an idealogue, and his religion doesn't affect his judgement. I hope that's not true, and I don't understand why religion is such a scarlet letter on Capitol Hill. Ex-Execs from Tyco just got a maximum of 25 years in prison for stealing money from their company. In response to Apple's new iTunes cell phone, Real Networks will be providing streaming audio for Sprint. All of our handheld devices are beginning to merge. If they can put it all on a wristwatch, then I will make my purchase. Denver squeaked out a win over the Chargers last night thanks to a little spark from Champ Bailey. Dr Maria Siemionow wants to attempt a face transplant, and is looking for volunteers. If it goes wrong you're new face could turn black. Sure it'd be a shock to your family, but you'll always have an available career in rap music. On top of curing AIDS, cancer, and bringing Christopher Reeve back from the dead, it looks like stem cells can now cure spinal cord injuries. We're headed back to the moon. We should get there in about 12 years, fully equipped to set up a permanent base. That way we could harvest moon rocks and sell them as souveniers for about $12 billion dollars apiece. We'd only have to sell a few to recover the $104 Billion it takes for us to get up there. It seems like it was alot cheaper last time. We've come a long way. Schools have made way for swingers clubs. NASCAR drivers are being fined for crashing, and it takes alot more money to fly to the moon than it used to. I don't know who they are planning on finding to pilot the shuttle, but I'm pretty sure it's not this guy.

Friday, September 02, 2005


Let It Go, Lousiana

With my summer vacation over and my internet access restored, I will now resume my incessant commentary on all of the things going on around me. First things first, let New Orleans be a lake. I think we all at some level see the writing on the wall here. It's below sea level, it's below several rivers and it's full of water. Now I have never claimed to be an expert in any field even remotely related to math or science, but from what I see, I'd say nature wants a lake there really bad. It would at least give us a good excuse to build more oil refineries, perhaps in a less accident prone area. In hindsight (and foresight) New Orleans was pretty much the stupidest place to position 1/3 of our oil refining capabilities. Let's double the amount of refineries we once had, spread them out across the United States, and go back to paying $1.63 per gallon to fill up our ski boat and cruise around in the beautiful Lake New Orleans. The first wakeboarder to grind the Superdome wins a nobel peace prize. Who's in? The National Guard just made it in to the city and are distributing supplies and assisting in the rescue effort. They were received by cheers, but of course there were some disgruntled citizens. Concerned citizen Michael Levy:

"Hell no, I'm not glad to see them. They should have been here days ago. I ain't glad to see 'em, I'll be glad when 100 buses show up,"

Apparently Mr. Levy wanted to see the National Guard earlier this week, and is not glad to see that they have finally arrived. I'm guessing Mr. Levy holds the opinion that if John Kerry was President, he would have an easier time organizing and equipping thousands of National Guardsmen for the purpose of saving Mr. Levy from his ordeal. This is a very hard situation and I can understand Mr. Levy's pain and anguish, and we do agree on one thing:

"I say burn this whole ... city down."

I am sure it would be difficult to burn down a city that is underwater, and I'm not sure it would be worth it to pump out the lake to destroy the former city, but the sentiment remains the same. Trying to live in Lake New Orleans is dangerous and stupid.

UPDATE: Apparently I'm not the only one saying this. Speaker Hastert also made a similar assertion and was flamed by the Governor of Louisiana who apparently has nothing better to do right now than take offense to the truth. Hastert said rebuilding New Orleans doesn't make any sense, and governor Kathleen Blanco accused him of kicking the city while it was down and demanded an apology. Hastert is simply acknowledging the elephant in the room, and he shouldn't be forced to apologize. Just look at the hell-hole New Orleans has become, why would you ever want to try an rebuild there. Let's learn our lesson from all of this. If you try to resist mother nature, eventually you will lose. The longer you prolong your surrender, the worse it's going be when she eventually gets her way. Yet we still continue to build homes on unstable hillsides, and we will still try and live in New Orleans.