Monday, January 16, 2006


Monday Stew

It's Monday again, and that means it's time for another Monday Stew. Ingredients? Start with a bowl of politics, and drown it with anything you can find to get rid of the bitter taste, then sprinkle in a little bit of flavor here and there to hide the concoctions complete lack of insight, wit and wisdom. First to be thrown in the pot is Iran. How do you solve a problem like Iran. I might conquer that one later. For now, just trust me on this one. It is a problem. You can tell because our gas prices are rising. Chile just elected a female president. Liberia just elected a female president. A recent poll shows that only 66 percent of black people say significant progress has been made towards racism since Dr. King gave his speech during the days of segregation. The other 44 continue to be shackled in intellectual slavery by their masters on the Left. Jim Carrey is happier since he cut back on caffiene. I'd say thats the end of his career right there, but who am I? According to the Vatican, Pope Benedict has a habit of sneaking into his old room where he lived as a Cardinal and spending a couple hours in there. No one knows exactly what he is doing. Except for me. He is holding conference calls with Nazi parties from around the world. He is doing it in absolute secrecy. I was lucky enough to be a part of his last one. I wouldn't be divulging this information if I thought anyone actually read this blog. He went on and on about the master race, and world domination. Something about a war and a cleansing. Turns out he's a big fan of Prussian Blue. He hides secret messages inside these almost too unseeming Jesus Inspirational Sports Statues and sends them to operatives in different parts of the world. It's all in Dan Brown's new book, to be released next month. "How the Pope Stole Christmas, and Then Proceeded to Pursue His Secret Plans of Global Domination." They say everything in it is historically accurate. Kind of like the Monday Stew. John Trovolta is being attacked by Muslim Imams for his suggestive dance moves in recent films such as "Grease" and "Saturday Night Fever." I guess they are still a little behind over there. Some Asian solved the Rubix Cube in 11.3 seconds. People are still playing witht those things? I can solve it in half a second, as long as I'm the first one who gets to use it out of the box. German scientists have decided that plants account for at least thirty of the Methane gasses in the atmosphere. These are global warming types of gasses. So it's okay to drive SUV's around, as long as you cut down enough trees. I knew deforestation was good for something. Peruvian president Alejandro Toledo accused Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez of trying to destabilize the region, after Chavez called him a George W. Bush "copycat". I didn't even know Venezuelans had a word for copycat. Luara Bush said she wants Condi Rice to be president in 2008. In an unrelated story Condi Rice said she never wants to be president and for Republicans to stop asking. Leave her alone boys. I know she is a woman, and she is black. That makes her a double minority, to Hillary's single minority status. But that's really the only reason we want her to run for President, and it's no wonder she doesn't want any part of it. A young soldier went AWOL because he didn't want to be part of any killing. That was 36 years ago, and they just caught him thanks to a tip from an apparently disgruntled relative. Hillary Clinton used the word "Plantation" during a speech at a Martin Luther King celebration. But it's okay because she is a Democrat. She said the House of Representatives was being run like a plantation when she was asked what distinguishes Democrats from Republicans right now. Way to lean to the center, Miss Moderate. It's good to see that you can actually apply yourself to the issues of the day, instead of just saying whatever you can to make the black people clap for you. That will come handy during your fall from grace as the four-year front runner of the '08 Presidential elections. Chinese villagers led yet another demonstration. It was quickly put down with electric batons and automatic firearms, but the CCP's relevance is starting to begin it's slow decline. An Italian study found that couples with TV's in their bedrooms have sex half as much as couples without. Thanks Italy, now we can finally put this issue to rest. And finally, to finish off the Stew, Eminem "Shocked the World" yesterday by marrying his ex-wife. I think the real shocker here is that his ex-wife married Eminem. After all the stuff he has written about her, I'd be sure to stay as far away from him as possible if I were her. I guess they won't spend too much time by the fire listening to his works such as "Kill You" and "Kim" about him violently murdering her, reminiscing abouther subsequent suicide attempts. He has already said that he doesn't allow his daughter to listen to his music. I guess he feels it's not appropriate for his children. Who gives a crap about yours? As long as they are buying his albums.

F--- your wife,
F--- your kids,
F--- your family,
I'll sh-t on you .

(Lyrics to Sh-t on You, by Eminem, renowned wordsmith.)

Here's to a long lasting marriage between him and his dearly beloved.

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