Thursday, April 21, 2005


The Triangular Food Pie Chart

Every morning, countless American citizens crawl out of bed in the morning, sit up, rub the sleep out of their eyes, and wonder out loud: "I wonder what the Government wants me to eat today." It is increasingly vital to our society that our tax dollars are continually poured into hours upon hours of research and mountains of bureaucracy to provide an answer for these hapless nutrition enthusiasts. So after 13 years of bad advice, (don't worry your tax dollars are wasted like that all the time) they have finally decided to revise the old system of eating in America. The result: the new food pyramid. Apparently the old one had lots of problems, and needed an overhaul. So they have fixed it, and instead of being a pyramid, it is now a triangular pie chart. It's rather confusing if you ask me, but hey, I'm not the one paying attention to the food pyramid, I'm just paying for it.

Well, wouldn't you know after all of that backbreaking research to produce this 3-sided multicolored miracle, there are some skeptics. This report reports that it could be considered confusing to the driveling sods that need to have their diets planned out by Harvard professors. They have also raised some other concerns:

"Some complain that the pyramid does not tell which foods are best for the health. Nor does the pyramid remind Americans enough of the risk of processed sugar foods and alcoholic drinks."

Keep in mind, driveling sods prefer lunch menus to vague references to "food types". How is Joe American supposed to figure out whether his chicken nugget is a fruit or a vegetable? And what difference does it make if the almighty pyramid fails to remind him that eating candy and drinking beer might make him fat? To cast further doubt on our new guidelines for healthy living, a scandal brews:

"According to Joseph. Mercola, MD, a health dietary advocate, the firm hired by the USDA to design the government web site presents clients in the processed food industry, which make others suspicious of possible conflicts of interest."

Aha! So that's how come the grains always got the biggest section. They are obviously loaded with carbs, making people fatter by the hour, yet somehow we are encouraged to eat more and more. "Big Wheat" has obviously been lobbying the guy that came up with this new pyramid about an hour before the deadline hit, so all of us will enthusiastically open and swallow whatever the government tells us to. Because if there is one thing we know for sure, the U.S. Government is never, ever, wrong.

geeze. what happened to "servings?" I could actually follow "servings." Now according to my height and physical activity level, I should only be eating 6oz of meat a day?? that's 1.5 or 2 servings, according to their serving sizes. or the way they used to be. what the hell SHOULD I be eating? I fricking quit. I'm going on the twinkie diet in protest.
I love the twinkie diet. "When in doubt, just pig out." Words to live by. And much easier to understand than some mathematical formula that only driveling sods with PhD's care to take the time to interpret.
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