Monday, April 18, 2005


Monday Stew

Unlike most weekends, this weekend I payed meticulous attention to the news. However, I don't remember a thing, apart from China's shenanigans. The great thing about Monday, is that today's headlines reflect what the weekend's headlines have been leading up to. I don't know what that means either, but I figured it sounds like a good excuse to look at today's headlines. First things first, the big news of the day is that nothing happened. From the black smoke pouring out of the chimney of the Sistene Chapel, we can coclude that no decision has been reached, and there is nothing to talk about. So that's what everyone is talking about, but other really big things are happening too. For example, a 70 foot wave hit a cruise ship over the weekend. It was so big, everyone got free drinks all night! That must have been the best cruise ever. A group of elders from Burma's Shan ethnic group has declared a Shan State independent from the military junta. If you know what that's about, then you need to get a life. Italy is in a political crisis due to a dispute concerning reshuffling. I didn't read enough of that story to find oout what "reshuffling" is, because whoever wrote it had trouble using the spacebar. Singapore has lifted it's ban on gambling, following an emerging Asian trend of allowing people to come into the country and give them money for no reason. Apparently they have gotten tired of opium over there in Asia, and they are looking to import new vices. Perhaps a spike in crime finally teach them not to copy us. Lance Armstrong has decided that this will be the last time he competes in the Tour de France, giving us another reason to not pay attention to France. Rapper Earl Simmons' (DMX) traffic record continues to worsen after he caused a 3 car collision over the weekend. To learn more about D.J. hipster Earl, pick yourself up a copy of his book. E.A.R.L. traces Earl's life from growing up in the mean streets of Yonkers, NY to how he became the role model he is today. A new study out of Europe has linked childhood obesity to fat babies. Ever get up in the morning and thank God for Europe and it's contributions to the world? Yeah, I don't either. Saddam's enemies have requested the death penalty if he is found guilty. That's no surprise to me, I want to know what they'll do if he's found innocent. Police in Nepal attacked transgendered people. Police in Fayetteville, GA chased down a 250 lb. skinny dipper, and his mistress (who is probably super-hot) in a high-speed golf cart chase. Students in San Fransisco have been cutting class to protest the fact that their bathrooms aren't maintained to their standards. The high school students want a "clean, healthy environment" with more toilet seat covers. Yeah, sure, we all know what you guys really want those toilet seat covers for. *wink, wink* Okay someone is going to have to explain that joke to me, because I don't get it. A record number of Germans are suffering from depression, or mental illness according to a new report. Wow, Germany, maybe you could stop forcing unemployed women into prostitution. Just a passing thought. Things are heating up between China and Japan. I can't, for the life of me, figure out what is going on over there. We'll see what happens this week, it might actually be interesting. I can't promise anything though. Hillary Clinton still insists that she isn't thinking about running for president right now. I guess that makes her the only one who isn't talking about her presidential bid in '08. Remember she has "no intention of running for president." Some poor chap in Texas is upset because he says the RNC took his idea of combining a "W" and the American Flag for Bush's '04 campaign. Those evil conservatives just have no respect for intellectual property rights.

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